Hella Easy Guac

Food should ALWAYS be simple. PERIOD. My family's guacamole is badass AND traditional.

Here are the ingredients.

No, seriously... that's it. No fuss, no muss, and more importantly... NO PACKET. What the hell are you honkey's thinking? You bring a packet into something that is SO simple. There are no measurements to give... you just have to do trial and error. THAT is the authentic way.

Ta Da!

Holy Ricotta! These cookies are SMOKIN' good!

Whodathunkit?! Cookies with cheese, lemon and rosemary! Thank you Giada DiLaurentis! Not only is she smokin' hot, but she is a fantastic Italian cook. How DOES she stay rail thin? bitch.

This recipe is adapted from one of her recipes. It didn't call for rosemary OR the extra lemon zest. I have a really hard time following recipes EXACTLY... I think it's due to may innate need to defy authority. Yeah, SCREW YOU DiLaurentis! Take THAT!

I get lonely cooking alone, so I brought my companion to cook with me. I would like to introduce you to my friend, Zinfandel. She's a bit shy. Give her time...

For the cookies:

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 tsp of baking powder

1 tsp salt

1 stick of softened, unsalted buttah

2 cups o sugar

2 eggs

1 (15 oz) container whole milk ricotta cheese

3 tbsp lemon juice

1 1/2 lemon zest

AND

1 tbsp finely chopped, FRESH rosemary

As you can tell from this pic, I hadn't gone to the store to get one of the ingredients. You win a gold star if you can guess which ingredient is missing.

GLAZE:

1 1/2 cups sifted powdered sugar

3 tbsp lemon juice

1 1/2 lemon zest

Preheat your oven to 375.

Combine your flour, baking powder and salt in a bowl... not that one, it's ugly. Get the other one and dump in and set aside. We'll have our way with that flour mixture in a bit. ROWR. See?!?! Zinfandel is already making her way out of shyness... good girl!

In a large bowl combine buttah and sugar. OMG! Did you hear what buttah sang? Buttah was singing, "Pour Some Sugar on Me"! Dirty, buttah, dirty! Using and electric mixer beat the snot outta the buttah and sugar until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Add 1 egg at a time, beating after each one 'til it's incorporated. Add your ricotta cheese, rosemary, lemon juice and zest. Beat to combine. Now it's time to stir in our dry ingredients.

Line 2 baking sheets w/ parchment paper. Spoon the dough (1 tbsp per cookie) onto the baking sheets. Bake for 15 to 20 minutes, until a little golden around the edges. Remove from the oven and let the cookies cool on a cooling rack for about 20 minutes.

Glaze (gimme summa that sweet, that nasty, that gooshy stuff):

Whisk the powdered sugar, lemon juice and zest in a small bowl until smooth.

Spoon a 1/2 tsp onto each cookie and spread around with the back of the spoon. Let it get hard over a couple of hours... That's what she said... BBWAAAHH HA HA HA HA HAAAAA

What was that, Zinny? You wanna what? *gasp* Well... but... what would the kids think? A-a-and my husband! I could NEV... mmmm... okay... I guess just this one time... we all dabble now and then, right? Dirty girl.

Believe It, Sister!

So, this is my proof. That I was once a big-girl AND that I am Mexican! HAR HAR.

Please keep in mind that I am sucking in my gut like I'm on the red carpet here! This picture was taken at the beginning of the end. I think I gained about another 10-20 lbs after this photo shoot.

"But, c'mon, Kim", you say, "you weren't THAT big!" Look, I may not have had a GUNT (not quite a gut, not quite a cunt), but I was fat and unhappy. PERIOD.

Good-Enough-to-Punch-a-Baby Quin-WAH?!?!

This is a badass recipe that I made in less than 40 minutes start to finish. The quinoa recipe is adapted from the Raley's Extra magazine.

2 cups (16oz) of ORGANIC FREE RANGE chicken broth
1 cup ORGANIC quinoa
a pound of ORGANIC brussel sprouts - halved lengthwise
a handful of peeled, whole garlic (save yourself the trouble and buy the garlic that already comes w/o hassle)
1/2 pound of NITRITE/NITRATE FREE bacon - more if you're me because you have to eat a few pieces while cooking and would love to wear bacon fat as a perfume, but I digress.
1 white onion, chopped
diced butternut squash - about a cup (don't split hairs... just buy the already peeled and diced version from Trader Joe's)
1/2 cup roasted walnuts
fresh ORGANIC sage/thyme
salt and pepper to taste



Put your brussel sprouts, half of the chopped onion, the garlic in a separate bowl.
Preheat your oven to 425.

Bring two cups of your ORGANIC FREE RANGE Chicken Broth to a boil in your medium sauce pan.
Stir in the cup of your quinoa, reduce your heat and simmer down nah, cover for 20 minutes, give or take your stove top heat.
Remove from heat and let stand for 5 minutes.



Cook your chopped up NITRI(A)TE FREE bacon in a skillet until super crispy. Put on your paper-toweled plate and set aside.
Pour most of the bacon fat (SCHWING!) in the brussel sprout bowl leaving about 2-3 tbsp in the skillet.
salt and pepper to taste.



Toss the sprout mixture well and put on a baking sheet and stick it in (that's what she said) the oven.
Roast until golden brown and cooked through. About 20-30 minutes



Add the rest of your onion and the squash to the skillet.
Listen to them sizzle... isn't that an orgasmic sound? Yes? High five. No? You're dumb.
Cook over medium - medium-high heat for about 10 min, stirring often.

Stir in the squash mixture and bacon into the quinoa. Top with roasted walnuts and chopped sage and/or thyme.

This is such a badass meal! And PERFECT for autumn... now if only Mother Nature got on board.



So, I hope you cheap-asses change your ways and start to buy free range ORGANIC meats and eggs rather than the processed/"bag 'em and tag 'em" crap. Trust me, your colon will thank you for it.
I refuse to eat things with High Fructose Corn Syrup or Partially Hydrogenated Oils

"But, Kim", you say, "Corn Syrup? It's made from corn, therefore, it HAS TO BE healthy".

Look, idiots, it's about as healthy as Wynnona Judd, Kirstie Alley and K-Fed combined! To that notion I say HA... nay... DOUBLE HA!

Do the research, douchebags.
Fun fact: Corn syrup has trace amounts of mercury. You know... that metal/preservative that is known for its contribution to the autism epidemic in this country.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/01/26/AR2009012601831.html
http://www.usnews.com/money/blogs/fresh-greens/2009/01/28/mercury-found-in-high-fructose-corn-syrup.html
http://www.grist.org/article/Some-heavy-metal-with-that-sweet-roll-/

"Partially Hydrogenated Oils? I don't even know what that means! I just eat what the giant, flat-screen, box with all the colors and people in it tell me to eat. They wouldn't try to hurt me... right?"
*sigh* To that I say, good luck living a life with heart disease, cancer and diabetes.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/expert.q.a/12/26/transfats.partially.hydrogenated.oils/index.html
http://www.treelight.com/health/nutrition/PartiallyHydrogenatedOils.html
http://www.becomehealthynow.com/article/conditioncardio/135/

Do your body a favor and eat conscientiously. As a former FATTY, I know what I preach. I lived an uncomfortable life a size 14-16 and 180+ lbs for a while... and I'm not talking "baby weight". Eating is a FULL CIRCLE activity. It affects more than just your appetite. It's a mind/body/soul/ecosystem experience.

Come with me. Let's eat/pray/love together.

This is what is sounds like... when doves cry.

I have a confession. I live with a murderer.

Say hello to mah li'l frien's...

Why spend $1 plus when you can have your herbs for free?!?!? Seasonal, schmeesonal is what I say. I'm making these herbs (oragano, thyme, rosemary, lemon verbena, pineapple mint and lemon balm) my bitch!

Lazy Bitch Lunch

This is a quick lunch that I whipped up in no time. This is for all you lazy bitches out there... of which I am one.

This is a not what I would call a recipe, but a concoction using what leftover ingredients I had lying around my kitchen. I want this crap to taste good and to allow me to feel like I am eating the way the bourgeoisie eat. See, I've got champagne taste and have a beer budget. Not to mention the fact that I want to eat NOW. After all, what the hell kind of American would I be if I didn't demand instant gratification!?!?

So here we are at the first post eating minestrone soup and sliced sourdough with brie.

Toast: sourdough sliced. brushed with olive oil. seasoned with salt pepper and fresh rosemary. covered in brie. stuck in the broiler for a couple of minutes and voila!

The soup on the other had was LOW SODIUM. Which gave it as much flavor as tree bark. With all the crap that was in there, you'd think it'd taste better than kleenex, but alas.

Kim - 1 : Manufactured can o' soup - 0

Defeat!